I'm easily impressionable. Ten years ago or so, I met my friend's roommate. She was cute, brilliant, funny, and focused. Rebecca finagled it so that I was able to take her to the opera, which seemed like a nice night. I felt relatively good about the night... and then my car broke down one block from her place while I was dropping her off. I'm pretty hypersensitive about my actual limitations and failures, so felt like crap. We had a couple ... do's after that, but I don't think she was feeling it and I'm certainly not the type to press things. The conversations we had, though, were great and interesting to me. Dumb stuff like the practical effects of giving cash to homeless people on the streets... I remain interested in her opinion and insight. And yes, I've had a crush on her since then, with the realization that things were never going to connect between us. Then she moved away and I hadn't heard of her for a while. I kept her in the back of my mind as the Beatrice to my Dante. She was the kind of woman who made me want to be a better person.
... and then I found out that she was having a baby. That she'd temporarily given up on finding a husband and instead arranged to share a child with a gay friend. That tends to blend in with the 'driven' picture I have of her, but it's still startling. How could someone so excellent be unable to find the right partner?
I'd been painting onesies for friends, so when I went down to California this past weekend I ... almost magically got to have lunch with her and present her with some I'd made for her. I'm still lightly shocked that she said yes to lunch, but I was tickled pink. I sat there across from her and there was almost too much to catch up on, so it stayed a shallow-ish conversation - but she's still close to intimidating. And I still felt that hanging around with people like her would be a good life plan.
I can show you a nice roadmap of why I'm still Single, but her? I'm baffled.