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Zach
05 June 2013 @ 06:44 pm
Ethan Hawke did a Reddit Ask Me Anything interview that I quite liked. I particularly liked:
Q: If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
A: I don't want to say. You know, the things that we want to change about our lives are things we don't want everybody to know, and one of the most difficult things for me was having to learn in front of the public that having a reputation is a double-edged sword. It prevents me from making a first impression. I feel like I haven't made a first impression on anyone in 20 years. There are many things about my life and my behavior that I wish I could change, situations I wish I could have handled better, relationships I could have healed, but unfortunately the earth seems to turn one way and all we can do is try to learn.

I do quite enjoy being anonymous. Unfortunately, I am an investigate reporter: I'm actually a person. Alas.

I think if I changed any one thing, it would be to not be so complacent. I'm constantly so amazed and stunned by being alive on this fragile rock that I'm willing to enjoy things that aren't as awesome as they could be. It's part and parcel with preferring to be a lieutenant as opposed to being a captain. Maybe there's some alternate version of me that prefers to be a Leader. In this world I've seen enough that I much prefer helping things to happen as opposed to be the one forcing them to happen in the first place.

 
 
Current Music: Jackson Sisters - Day in the Blue
 
 
Zach
28 January 2013 @ 03:23 am
I got this email today from an unexpected source:
"We hoped to see you at XXXX but never connected. We've been seeing you off-and-on for the past couple years, which has been really nice, but we have never talked about the long estrangement. I'd like to do that, and to make whatever apologies and peace are still needed. Perhaps we can have coffee sometime. I'm usually flexible on Fridays and the weekends."

That was a surprise. The planned meet-up fell through for very good reasons - I got done with one thing only a couple hours before I really needed to get to bed to make a 5AM flight. However, the relationship probably had gone weird a long time ago. We've been seeing each other once or twice a year, but without ever really talking about why there had been a long period of silence. I personally am a fool and a flake with heart with a good memory: I might not see you for a long time, but I'll typically feel the same way about you. Here, I just felt that there wasn't any real interest: it's hard for me to read people. I try to wear my enthusiasm on my face: you should likely know if I'm enjoying your company.

Pretty much if you want to see me more, make plans with me. Otherwise there tends to be a billion things to do, and I get caught up in them and don't see people I should be or do call friends for far far too long. It's so easy to lose track of everything in this modern era. I'm terrible at it.

So yeah, if I haven't seen you in a while, I'm sorry. I pretty much guarantee I still think you're as awesome as you ever were: I'm just terrible at planning.
 
 
Current Location: Redmond, WA
Current Mood: harried
Current Music: A Plus D - Xmas Dick in a Box
 
 
Zach
03 April 2012 @ 04:28 am
It's weird to me how my dreams of tranquility surround quietly enjoying the hills of Gas Works Park.

Clearly a trip is in order.
 
 
Zach
23 November 2011 @ 05:46 pm
I accidentally backed onto a fairly interesting and apparently evident conclusion:
I tend to be afraid of dating people I have high chemistry with.
Going as far back as my first girlfriend, it even makes sense back then. As much as I think highly of our chemistry ... I was extremely in control in the relationship, and never really let her take the reins, so to speak. It's far easier for me to try to give and please than to be pleased, I think. I noticed this even with regards to light bondage/domination: I feel a need to be actively pleasing my partner, and tend to feel disconnected if I'm not getting that response.

It's true that I might actively (really actively) enjoy the aggressive woman, but initially at least I find myself a little more emotionally resistant. That of course turns out to be highly problematic because I for one have a high(?) libido. Or perhaps just guy-normal. Generally I've been lucky to be with girls who also have a high libido: people who think that not being intimate at least twice a week means that the relationship is starting to show serious cracks. But because I'm dumb enough to be a little less available to the aggressive woman, I've been less likely to be with someone who's ... as avidly interested in affection, appreciation, and making out.

We're all going to die soon. It's terrible. So when I'm with a beautiful intelligent funny woman and the world is full of joy --- I want to find a wall to stand against and work on some yoga poses.

I really thought that at some point that my personality would get a little less semi-hyperactive / enthused with life and that I would be a Normal Guy. I envy those guys that are truly mellow, but it hasn't been in me to be that guy.
It kind of makes sense that if I'm not that mellow normal guy by now, I shouldn't expect that I'm going to be that guy. And maybe I shouldn't set myself to need to grow into that kind of normal guy.
 
 
Zach
29 March 2011 @ 07:33 pm
Is the money you're getting paid to destroy your life really worth it? Wouldn't you be better suited being paid crap and following some dreams?

Working on stuff that you have passion can be worth it. Working harder on stuff you have little passion for ... it's disheartening. A large part of me wonders about the Bay and/or Boston at this point. It'll be nice to have something to show my mom versus the usual internals work I do, but ........ I know quite well that at this point I'd happily take a nice salary cut and be allowed to go work on stuff I have passion about. I don't feel that that opportunity is around here right now, though, and that sucks.

Then again, there's the realistic possibility that I'm just currently frustrated by working too hard. I get to head to Santa Monica for a little romantic getaway next next weekend: that should very much take the edge off. We'll see where I am at that point.

 
 
 
Zach
14 February 2011 @ 06:16 pm
The world is full of small fleeting moments of amazing beauty. As much as I wish I would have held more of them closer to myself or embraced them more fully, sometimes letting them wander off on their own is the only real choice.
 
 
Zach
01 November 2010 @ 08:22 pm
I was filling out some restaurant reviews at UrbanSpoon.com in response to some excellent service, and I realized that I can't think of any restaurants that I have not enjoyed. Not just "not enjoyed recently", but "not enjoyed". I've been hearing lately from friends that they enjoy my positive world-view, but it's interesting to note that, if I have such, it may be rather automatic and involuntary on my part. I could probably delve around and figure out what waiter I hated or what food was served poorly, but -- my mind seems to flush out the bad and concentrate upon the good. I wonder if I should be less Pollyanna-ish, but I have no idea how one even goes about being that. My own mistakes I could tell you a lot about, but the mistakes of others I tend to dismiss and forget readily.
 
 
Zach
30 October 2010 @ 11:17 am
The four zoos in the United States with wombats are Brookfield Zoo (Chicago), San Diego Zoo, Memphis Zoo, and the Birmingham Zoo in Alabama.
 
 
Zach
12 October 2010 @ 09:43 pm
I'm easily impressionable. Ten years ago or so, I met my friend's roommate. She was cute, brilliant, funny, and focused. Rebecca finagled it so that I was able to take her to the opera, which seemed like a nice night. I felt relatively good about the night... and then my car broke down one block from her place while I was dropping her off. I'm pretty hypersensitive about my actual limitations and failures, so felt like crap. We had a couple ... do's after that, but I don't think she was feeling it and I'm certainly not the type to press things. The conversations we had, though, were great and interesting to me. Dumb stuff like the practical effects of giving cash to homeless people on the streets... I remain interested in her opinion and insight. And yes, I've had a crush on her since then, with the realization that things were never going to connect between us. Then she moved away and I hadn't heard of her for a while. I kept her in the back of my mind as the Beatrice to my Dante. She was the kind of woman who made me want to be a better person.

... and then I found out that she was having a baby. That she'd temporarily given up on finding a husband and instead arranged to share a child with a gay friend. That tends to blend in with the 'driven' picture I have of her, but it's still startling. How could someone so excellent be unable to find the right partner?

I'd been painting onesies for friends, so when I went down to California this past weekend I ... almost magically got to have lunch with her and present her with some I'd made for her. I'm still lightly shocked that she said yes to lunch, but I was tickled pink. I sat there across from her and there was almost too much to catch up on, so it stayed a shallow-ish conversation - but she's still close to intimidating. And I still felt that hanging around with people like her would be a good life plan.

I can show you a nice roadmap of why I'm still Single, but her? I'm baffled.

 
 
Zach
15 September 2010 @ 03:28 pm
There's a Stanky Legg dance competition as part of the Storm games. At the previous game, a guy pointed me out to his girlfriend and said "you've got to check out this guy's moves". At last night's game, the women told I should move to the aisle where I'd "win for sure".

I was pretty chuffed. I've always felt like a mediocre dancer, so it's highly pleasing to get complimented. Even if the dance is about as simple as the Salmon Dance, it's still fun.

 
 
Current Music: Girl Talk - Still Here